BBC and ITV's Fear Over Ratings Slump Prove Unfounded

The BBC and ITV were left breathing sighs of relief this week, as mounting fears over a severe ratings slump proved to be completely unfounded.
The major Broadcasting Corporations had been worried that Finding The Fallen, a new Archaeology programme broadcast on the Discovery Civilisation Channel starring a hotly tipped Star of Tomorrow, Alex Sotheran, would have a devastating impact on their own ratings.
But BBC Chairman Michael Grade admitted last night, "We were just being a bunch of big girls. In the end, nobody watched that silly old digging-up-poo programme. We could have put on Cagney and Lacey repeats and we still would have won. In fact, I think we did put on Cagney and Lacey repeats, I can't remember now."

ITV had been all set to broadcast 24-hour coverage of The X Factor round the clock in a bid to counter-attack the new Archaeology show, and this would have included footage of popular contestants The Fat Corrs GOING TO THE TOILET.
But in the end, they didn't bother as initial ratings for Finding The Fallen came in at just under TEN VIEWERS and most of these were believed to be MAKING A CUP OF TEA at the time.
In a recent TV Quick survey, it was revealed that 99% of TV Viewers had never heard of the new Archaeology show or indeed Alex Sotheran, whilst a further 97% had never even heard of Discovery Civilisation, the Channel it was being broadcast on.

Sotheran himself was reported to be not too worried about the ratings disaster of his latest project. One insider claims that Sotheran himself did not even watch his own show.
"He was going to watch it," reveals our source, "But he ended up going to the Pub, and there was a girl there, and so he decided to stop there all night and look at her until she went home."

Pigeon Loft Poll Provokes Government Re-Think on Smoking Ban

Tony Blair called an emergency Cabinet meeting last night after an overwhelming response to The Pigeon Loft Poll indicated that the British Public were saying NO to the new Anti-Smoking Laws.
A staggering TWENTY-ONE people have voted in the Poll so far, with the vast majority of voters calling for pubs to simply have seperate areas rather than a blanket ban in all pubs that serve food.
Blair was further pressured into calling the emergency Cabinet meeting when details began to emerge on new Pigeon Loft campaigns, including an organised SMOKEATHON on the streets of London and the recording of a CHARITY SINGLE with all profits going on making Fag Packets look nicer.

The Smokeathon, scheduled for early next year, will encourage decent smoking members of the public to march through the Streets of London with fags in their mouths. The ambitious plan is to create colossal Smoke Rings over Westminster which will eventually form the words "SAY YES TO SMOKING".
Meanwhile, several superstar celebrities have already signed up to record vocals on the forthcoming Charity Single which bookies are tipping could well be this year's Christmas Number One. The song, tentatively titled "Never Did Me Grandad Any Harm" will feature vocals from such luminaries as ANDY McCLUSKEY out of OMD, KIM WILDE, CAPTAIN SENSIBLE and THE BIRD OUT OF DEACON BLUE.

As these details emerged late last night, Blair was forced to miss the last half of The X Factor and call an emergency meeting, and political commentators believe that a U-Turn could well be on the cards.
However, other early reports indicate that the Cabinet Meeting was actually a complete wash-out, with barely anybody bothering to turn up because Madonna was on Parkinson that night.


One eye witness claims that only DAVID BLUNKETT and his GUIDE DOG turned up to the meeting and he had RESIGNED from the Cabinet weeks ago (Blunkett, not the dog.)
Blunkett is believed to have accidentally fed his Guide Dog on Chocolate Licquers, resulting in the drunken mutt guiding his Master to the Cabinet Meeting rather than the planned trip to the 24-hour Garage for a pint of milk and some Rizlas.
Blair is said to be 'disappointed' that his only attendee at the Meeting was a Resigned MP asking how much the Cheese and Onion pasties were.
More details as we get them.

Leaked Wedding List Reveals Star-Studded Line Up

A provisional wedding guest list for Danny and Jaime's Wedding of the Year has been leaked onto the internet by one of their IRISH SLAVES who managed to escape from the radiator he had been chained to, and had enough time to post the details on the world wide web before being re-captured and force-fed manky Irish potatos as a punishment.

The list is believed to have been compiled by Danny late one night after drinking a whole bottle of Shandy Bass, and reveals several shocks and surprises including unexpected invites for:

• TOM BAKER (Maybe get him to do a speech or something.)
• NIK KERSHAW (Get him to play a few songs at the bash, he'd like that.)
• KONNIE HUQ (Possible Bridesmaid material, check with Jaime first.)
• SYLVESTER McCOY (Only if Tom Baker can't make it.)
• PHIL OAKEY (Make sure he doesn't bring those useless birds with him though, we'll pretend there's not enough room or something.)
• JAMIE OLIVER (Send him the invite and then don't let him in when he arrives. Twat.)
• DAVID DICKINSON (Could we get him to conduct the actual ceremony? Check with Registry Office tomorrow.)

The list also reveals a couple of names that have been crossed out with notes beside them including HOWARD JONES (Might end up fighting with Kershaw) and SEAN BEAN (Too common, will bring the tone down.)

There has already been some initial reaction to the leaked list. Tom Baker's agent was quoted as saying "Tom is genuinely delighted to have been offered an invitation but will have to decline as he is booked in to voice an advert for piles cream on that day."

Nik Kershaw is also believed to have declined the offer as he is far too busy and rich and successful. Meanwhile, Howard Jones is believed to have said "I would have gone."