World Gets Ready For Launch of Album Of The Year

Recent rumours and mutterings from Treeton Towers have thrown music lovers into an excitable frenzy, as details slowly begin to emerge on the forthcoming Pigeon Loft album.

An undercover Postman reported to the press yesterday that Salter has been spotted ADJUSTING HIS EXECUTIVE CHAIR TO A COMFORTABLE POSITION and CLEARING HIS WORKSTATION OF PENS AND WIFE HAIR in preparation for production of the CD.

The album has the provisional working title of Salter's Travelling Pigeon Loft - A Thrilling Adventure In Stereo Sound and is currently slated for a June/July(ish) release.

Newsdesk can now exclusively reveal that;

• The album will be a lavish double-disc release, positively crammed to the hilt with the cream of innovative music and sounds, hand-picked by Salter.
• Awesome packaging and presentation is planned for the release, including stunning artwork and special sleevenotes.
• The discs will be MAGICALLY ENHANCED and feature a treasure trove of goodies for the PC user.
• The album will be ENTIRELY FREE to loyal Pigeon Loft subscribers who bother to e-mail their full address to Salter.

Even more excitingly, NORMAL EVERYDAY FOLK are now invited to send in their ideas and contributions for the forthcoming album, with the cream of the crop getting burned into CD immortality and namechecked in Sleevenote legend.

This can be anything from a simple suggestion for a track you'd like to see included, to actually sending Salter a song or innovative piece of software etc. Home-made contributions are also welcome.

Send your ideas/contributions to Dannytriangle@aol.com before the end of the month, and the very best will be included on the CD.

Note: Stuff by Norwegian Death Metal bands or 2 Live Crew will be disqualified immediately. You're dealing with a quality release here, we're not just going to dish out any old shit.

New Computer Systems Are Wheeled Into Treeton Towers

Huge changes are in store for lucky Pigeon Lofters, as the new computer systems were finally wheeled into Treeton Towers, plugged in, and even SEEMED TO WORK without any major problems.

The new PC was initially so powerful that Treeton Towers had to be kitted out with SPECIAL NEW ELECTRICITY at a very reasonable cost to the British tax payer (none of you lot had to worry about that then, you sponging freeloaders).

It's fair to say that there were a few 'teething problems' with the set-up of the computer systems (it wouldn't run Windows, it couldn't get online, the flashing lights were the wrong shade of blue) but these have all been ironed out, and the new PC now runs like a dream. Within just five minutes of being plugged in, the PC had single-handedly changed our gas and electricity suppliers, drawn up plans for a swimming pool in the loft, and accurately predicted the winning lottery numbers for the next 50 billion years.

This exciting development marks the end of what could accurately be described as 'a bit of a quiet patch' for The Pigeon Loft. Salter now has access to Dreamweaver, tons of Macromedia packages, a CD/DVD writer, a USB Hamster Wheel, and several scantily-clad assistants to make a pot of tea every now and then, which can only mean that great things are in store for The Pigeon Loft.

Highlights for the coming year include;

• A total re-vamping of the website, including a possible move away from Geocities and it's SATANIC ADVERTISING and LIMITED BANDWIDTH.
• A possible SLIGHT CHANGE to the website name to alienate the loyal hardcore followers.
• The launching of Quirkafleeg Records with the release of a strictly limited edition DELUXE ENHANCED CD (maybe even a double-disc one) that will be completely free to elite Pigeon Lofters.
• More pictures of Llamas!

Can life can any more exciting than this, viewers?

Of course it can't. Let's hope the computer doesn't just pack in tomorrow

Salter Wedding Pool Trophy - First Pictures!

Here it is, lucky viewers. Even more uplifting than that recent photograph of Wayne 'Overpaid Thug' Rooney actually kicking a ball into a net, here is the first picture of The Salter Wedding Pool Trophy, modelled by the future Mrs Salter. (I did ask her to pop her left tit out, but she hadn't drunk enough Scrumpy. Bad timing, never mind).

As you can see, the Trophy is quite a plush affair, encrusted with diamonds, with a cool, elegant glass thing at the top, and a sophisticated pool table image, handdrawn by spastics, as the centrepiece. The trophy is engraved at the base, at vast personal expense, with the legendary wording SALTER WEDDING POOL CHAMPION 2006.

The format of the tournament is now beginning to take shape. Entrants will be charged about 50p. (you put your entrance fee in the glass thing at the top - how cool is that? Then we put the trophy, overflowing with money, on display near the pool table, and pick money out of the trophy when it;s time to pay for a new game. God, this is brilliant.)
Entrants will then be put into a hat (well, not literally, I mean their names written on pieces of paper) and we will have an exciting draw to see who plays who. Losers names then get thrown away, and the winners are put back into the hat to see who plays who in the next round.
This process will continue until either;

• We have a proud 2006 Salter Wedding Pool Champion
• We run out of money
• The games gradually descend into a shambolic mess, and Salter washes his hands of the entire affair and takes the trophy home with him
• We are all swiftly ejected from The Brentwood Hotel and barred for life, after too many people try to shove their cocks into the fruit machine.

Less than a week to go, folks! Don't forget to have your 50p's ready.

Rotherham Comedy Superstars Embroiled In Wedding Date Clash

There was deep concern over a possible drop in attendance figures at next month's Salter Wedding 2006, as it was revealed that Rotherham's comic genius duo The Chuckle Brothers are due to bring their lavish new stage show to The Embassy Theatre in Skegness on Saturday 17th June.

The whole family will be itching to see Doctor What and the Return of The Garlics performed live in the exotic surroundings of the East Coast. This latest hotly-anticipated madcap adventure from Rotherham's finest comic duo follows the hugely successful tour of Pirates of the River Rotha which broke all previous box box office records last year (it says here).

Tickets for this momentous event are expected to sell out in seconds, and could well have a damaging effect on The Salter Wedding, as loyal Rotherhamites flock to the East Coast to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity see their heroes in the flesh.

Even the Groom himself is rumoured to have pre-booked NINE tickets for the show. One insider told Newsdesk "Salter genuinely believes that he will have plenty of time to get married, hop over to Skeggy to see the show and then get back in plenty of time for last orders at the reception. His only concern at the moment is that he may have to withdraw from the Salter Wedding Pool Tournament, which he will be gutted about. The trophy cost him a month's wages."

COMPETITION WINNER! Sotheran Wins The Coveted Top Table Seat

Alex Sotheran was elevated to Royalty Status last night, as it emerged that he had won a seat at the Salter Wedding 2006 Head Table.

On the special night, Sotheran will sit on a throne carved out of pure gold, and converse with the likes of THE NEWLYWEDS, JAIME'S MUM AND DAD, DANNY'S FAT MUM and even BEST MAN BARNSEY and his MISSUS.

Sotheran had to fight off very stiff competition from the literally billions of entries for the competition, but in the end, the PISSED-UP JUDGE handed over the prize to Alex for this winning entry:

"I should be given the prize cos I have been posting on your rotten website for the past five years. That level of devotion surely deserves reward and what greater reward than to be sat at the top table at the wedding of the century. I have enclosed a picture of my girlfriend, Kokoro Nakimoto, on our recent camping trip."
Alex Von Sotheran

Alex was said to be 'delighted' with the victory, and was even said to be overheard commenting that he may even splash out on a new pair of socks for the special day.
"I may even splash out on a new pair of socks for the special day," he revealed to one insider.

Meanwhile, in other exciting wedding developments, The Pigeon Loft can now exclusively reveal that guests at the Reception will get the chance to compete for The Salter Wedding 2006 Pool Champion Trophy!

This will be a specially engraved Trophy, bought at vast personal expense from Parkgate Trophies, and will be presented to the overall winner of the pool tournament at the end of the night, if everyone is still standing up and on friendly terms with each other.

"I've always wanted to buy a trophy from Parkgate Trophies," revealed Salter, last night. "I'd go past the shop on the bus and used to dream of the day I could go in and buy a specially engraved trophy of my own. Now that special day has arrived, and my life is complete. Fuck it, I might even buy two, do you think I'd get a discount for buying in bulk?"

COMPETITION! Win a Place at The Salter Wedding Head Table!

Pigeon Loft Newsdesk can now exclusively reveal that the confirmed venue for the Salter Wedding Reception is the lavish and reassuringly expensive surroundings of The Brentwood Hotel on Moorgate.

Initial consideration was given to such places as Le Barge (now believed to have sunk) and Skegness Pier (believed to have been Salter's first choice but ruled out by the bride.)

What really swung the deal with The Brentwood Hotel, was the inclusion of FREE ACCESS to Pirate Pete's Indoor Playden, situated just around the corner from the main dining area, and A POOL TABLE which Salter himself will be playing for the majority of the night, challenging lucky guests to play for £50 a game.

Newsdesk are now proud to offer this exclusive once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join the Bride and Groom at The Head Table on the special day. All you have to do is tell us, in no more than 60,000 words, why you think you deserve such a prestigious seat, along with a nude picture of your own wife/girlfriend/someone you know. Rules and conditions apply, see below.
Entries must be received no later than March 31st, so get scribbling to Dannytriangle@aol.com as quickly as you can, Pigeon Lofters!



RULES AND CONDITIONS: Applications must not smell, or have unusual facial quirks. They must not be French, Irish or work for the Council.The winning applicant must have at least THREE entertaining anecdotes to share at the Head Table, ideally involving Cybermen if possible. Violence will only be tolerated at The Head Table if it is completely justified and involves the hospitalising of a student.Nude photographs sent in by applicants must not be of males, animals or mingers. Runners-up are entitled to fuck all.

History Uncovers Rotherham Bus That Arrived on Time With No Major Problems

A startling discovery has been made by Rotherham Archivists as they were searching for vintage photographic material of The Chuckle Brothers to display in Clifton Park Museum.

• According to previously unseen records, a Rotherham Bus ARRIVED ON TIME way back in 1927, much to the surprise of the Rotherham Residents of the time, many of whom refused to believe it and have since dismissed the incident as folklore. It is also believed that:

• The Bus in question did not break down at any stage in the journey.
• Nobody threw a brick at the window from beginning to end.
• At no point did the driver accidentally start driving in the wrong direction, or start asking the bewildered passengers exactly where they were supposed to be going.

"It's hard to believe I know," laughed Rotherham Head of Transport Julian Cunt , "but these records seem to confirm what was previously thought of as an old Wive's tale. That bus, back in 1927, had a smooth journey with no major problems. We're not quite sure how this happened, but one theory is that the bus was actually hi-jacked by a terrorist who kidnapped the driver and drove the bus on it's scheduled journey before going off and blowing something up. Maybe we'll never know, but that would certainly explain it, as no Rotherham Bus Driver would have been able to pull of this amazing feat on his own."

The records came to light after the Rotherham Council had 'a bit of a clear-out' in one of their offices which was going to be used for a Cocaine Party for the Council top brass. Several other documents of historical interest were also uncovered during this process, including detailed Council plans from 1955 to turn Rotherham into a Tropical Aquarium and one of Salter's many Application for Housing Benefit Forms, previously thought lost forever.

Salter himself was unavailable to comment on this new discovery, as he is believed to have caught a Rotherham bus last Thursday and his current whereabouts are unknown.